Tuesday, November 13, 2007

When Bad Cookies Happen to Good People

Sometimes I forget I'm a Beta mom.

Sometimes I have delusions of grandeur and become totally convinced that I can do everything and be everywhere.

Sometimes I forget to give myself permission to let good enough be good enough.

And there's where things go wrong. Very, very wrong.

Sometimes when I'm working all day and then picking up my kids and grocery shopping and getting a husband and a son ready for an opening night production and making a salad for the kindergarten pot luck that we will all go to before the opening night production and baking a batch of cookies and a batch of lemon squares for a bake sale and trying to shower because I didn't have time that morning...

well, sometimes, when all that is happening, I get confused.

And instead of putting one egg in the cookies and three eggs in the lemon squares like the recipe calls for, I put THREE eggs in the cookies. And I end up with cookie dough that looks like pancake batter.

So rather than admit defeat, I add flour to the cookies to thicken the consistency.

Worried that I've created cake-like cookies with no taste, I throw chocolate chips in the batter.

Worried that my monstrosities won't sell, while all the OTHER moms' perfectly baked cookies will fly off the table, I search for something, anything, to add to their appeal.

In a panic, I grab some Hershey kisses. (I've seen that done, right? People put kisses on cookies, right? People will be dying for these awesome awesome chocolate cookies, right?)

I pull the giant, cake-like, lumpy cookies from the oven, slap on the Hershey kisses and stand back to admire my handiwork.

This is what I ended up with:



Hmmmm.....

Look familiar?

Can't quite place it?

Here, let me help you:



Beta Mom's Fake Dog Doo Cookies - Scoop them up at a Bake Sale near you!

41 comments:

Denguy said...

Oh, gawd, that's funny. Oh, stop--the pain in my side. I think I actually have tears from the laughter.

(I wouldn't buy those "cookies", sorry.)

Hahahahahahaahahah!

jeff mac, manslations.com said...

Don't even worry about it. It's all in the marketing. You could call them...I don't know, "Squatties"?

Or how about "Hershey Squirts"?

Hm...

"Snickerdoodoos"?

twoenns said...

We are dying to know...
HOW DO THEY TASTE?!!?
or did you chicken out and make the kids taste them?

foolery said...

I do love the cute little tapered ends, though. A nice touch.

Hey, how's that "keeping the kids in clean underwear" thing coming along?

You neither?

hallie said...

OMG I was rolling! that was great! i know how you feel! at least you did not forget the kids at afterschool reading program!

Mrs. Mustard said...

Oh man, you could sell those as rubber dog-doo and make way more money than the moms selling their perfect brownies!

Susan said...

Beta Mom, we're going to have to start calling you BM! (Sorry, couldn't resist that one.)

For the record, I also get distracted while multitasking and cooking, mistaking the "t" for a "T" in the recipe and the like. AND, I once made chocolate chip pancakes that had so many chocolate chips in them that The Ex thought they looked like diarrhea while they cooked and then shit patties when they were done. Even I couldn't stomach that much chocolate.

I bet the cookies weren't bad -- right?

Sarah O. said...

I'd buy your cookies under the supposition that cookies that er, unusual, must be fabulous.

Mike said...

i'll tell you thursday night what i think they look like!

nell said...

Ahahahaha! I SO did not see the dog doo joke coming...

beta mom said...

Denguy - read at your own risk. Beta Mom holds no responsibility for injuries substained due to laughter.

Mac - Oh, holy hell - Snickerdoodoos has me rolling on the floor.

Jenn - They weren't bad, we mostly just picked the kisses off the tops and at those. (Obviously they never made it to the bake sale!)

Foolery - Ummmm....let's just say the phrase "reduce, reuse and recycle" extends beyond soda bottles in our house.

Hallie - No, that's true. I did remember to pick up all of my chldren. TODAY, anyway.

Mrs. Mustard (whose name I love, by the way) - What a good idea! We'll make a killing in the novelty market!

Susan - Who knew choclate could be so dangerous!? See my comment to Jenn about the taste.

Sarah - Do you think it's a cooincidence that you used the word supposition, which has the same root as suppositories (not sure I spelled that right, and not going to look it up.)

Mike - If it has anything to do with Janet Jackson and the superbowl, we thought that as well.

Nell - Yeah, well, we like to keep you guessing to the end!

missyb64 said...

My mom was a beta mom... I would be too if I had kids. Your cookies looked great to me! So does your blog! Love it!

Sara said...

Too funny!

Julie Pippert said...

Oh I am sorry but LMAO...but I swear I am laughing with you b/c I have so BTDT (well, not THAT exactly, but close enough).

Snickerdoodoos LOL!!

Julie
Using My Words

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Oh that's funny. The picture of the dog combined with your cookies, well that's just comic genius.

Jozet at Halushki said...

Bah-ha!!!!!
Snickerdoodoos is definitely the way to go, lol!

Or Bear Tatas, lol.

Btw, the word verification for me is

icanlsd.

Duuuuuuuude.

smarmoofus said...

hah! Hilarious! But how did they taste? Surely you could give them a gross name and the kids would swarm. They love "gross" things, right?

Bevvy said...

Oh out blog hopping and wow, that really caught my eye.. Made me laugh pretty hard too.
If you come up with a good name for them let me know.. lol

TX Poppet said...

Some Bloggy Bling for you here because you had a post too Fabulous to ignore.

The Hotfessional said...

snort.

hee.

and snort.

Smiling Mom said...

I'm a Beta mom true and true!! I can make a mean cookie, but dinner?? forget it!

creative-type dad said...

Nice!!!

Now I have to go poop

Joy T. said...

Ok I was just going to lurk but I have to come out of hiding and say how hilarious this is!! I snuck over from TXPoppet and glad I did :o)

bermudabluez said...

THIS is hilarious!!!! I'll have to come and visit more often!

Anna said...

I actually don't think they look so bad–put hunk of chocolate on something and I'm yours!

I might have bought them at the bake sale if you had labeled them triple chocolate madness or something like that. It's all in the marketing!

Alpha DogMa said...

I feel no compulsion to break my low-cholesterol, high-protein diet for these cookies. That is the best thing I can say about them. The best thing I can say about you: what you lack in cooking prowess you make up for in good humour and great writing.

Liz Ulvila said...

I really don't see any problem. You should have taken the cookies to the bake sale and I guarentee you that you'd never be asked to bake for another school bake sale for the rest of your life!! You really need to start thinking like a Ulvila!

Mrs. Fussy Fussypants said...

I just spit my milk and cheerios all over my laptop!

Attila The Mom said...

OMG---I can't stop laughing. I was going to say that they look like boobs, but you got me!

Jill said...

I could have saved you alot of time and effort...I have tons of those cookies lying around in my backyard!

(Warm and moist!)

crazymumma said...

mmm mmm good.

Anna said...

You know, as the days go by they are starting to look more nipple-like. I'm just saying.

Laurie said...

Beta Mom, oh Be-e-e-e-ta M-o-o-o-m . . . where are you? I miss your posts! You must have one heckuva hit count just on my checking in alone!

Kidding, I'm not a stalker. But I did give you a special award at my blog yesterday, because you make me laugh. Come see when you return from Bake Sale Jail.

http://foolery.typepad.com/foolery/

Hallie said...

I tagged YOU!! you are it!!! check my blog to see...

http://itsallabouthallie.wordpress.com/
enjoy!

Just Beachy said...

OH My Gawd.... this is my first time here and you are hilarious!

Cassandra Rae said...

I pooped* on by from blogosphere and oh my heaven! Your post and all the comments are HILARIOUS!

*I meant to type "popped", but the typo is just too funny to fix :~)

Jessica said...

Name them something gross and the kids will love it! Yours will be the best selling cookies there! lmao

carrie said...

I can't stop laughing about this...thank you! Such a great pick-me-up this morning.

Sorry, I know it sucks when that happens, but dang....soooo funny!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Awesome. If you run out, just let me know, and I'll scoop you up some more out in our backyard.

A Jill of All Trades said...

Mmmm....delicious!

jnyfritz said...

well my sister would get baking powder and baking soda confused, equaling hockey pucks!