Tuesday, November 13, 2007

When Bad Cookies Happen to Good People

Sometimes I forget I'm a Beta mom.

Sometimes I have delusions of grandeur and become totally convinced that I can do everything and be everywhere.

Sometimes I forget to give myself permission to let good enough be good enough.

And there's where things go wrong. Very, very wrong.

Sometimes when I'm working all day and then picking up my kids and grocery shopping and getting a husband and a son ready for an opening night production and making a salad for the kindergarten pot luck that we will all go to before the opening night production and baking a batch of cookies and a batch of lemon squares for a bake sale and trying to shower because I didn't have time that morning...

well, sometimes, when all that is happening, I get confused.

And instead of putting one egg in the cookies and three eggs in the lemon squares like the recipe calls for, I put THREE eggs in the cookies. And I end up with cookie dough that looks like pancake batter.

So rather than admit defeat, I add flour to the cookies to thicken the consistency.

Worried that I've created cake-like cookies with no taste, I throw chocolate chips in the batter.

Worried that my monstrosities won't sell, while all the OTHER moms' perfectly baked cookies will fly off the table, I search for something, anything, to add to their appeal.

In a panic, I grab some Hershey kisses. (I've seen that done, right? People put kisses on cookies, right? People will be dying for these awesome awesome chocolate cookies, right?)

I pull the giant, cake-like, lumpy cookies from the oven, slap on the Hershey kisses and stand back to admire my handiwork.

This is what I ended up with:


Look familiar?

Can't quite place it?

Here, let me help you:

Beta Mom's Fake Dog Doo Cookies - Scoop them up at a Bake Sale near you!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Will Rhyme For Food

Well, there's just going to be no living with me now.

On the heels of my MAJOR newspaper publication (those elementary kids didn't know what hit 'em), I've received word that I'm the winner of Creative-Type Dad's KFC Chicken Checks give-away.

Click on the title above (where, oh where, Blogger have you hidden my tool bar with my link button?) and check out the winning entry, as well as the hilarity that is Creative-Type Dad.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Don't Worry - I Won't Let It Go To My Head

It pleases me to no end to announce that finally after what feels like days of hard work and patience – I am being published in a major newspaper!

It’s true! Today my article “Local Children Head "Into the Woods"” – a scintillating expose detailing the sordid lives of the children of community theater – is being published in…

Are you ready for it?

The Warrior – our elementary school newspaper!

Not only that, but it’s been syndicated.

To the middle school.

Stop cheering…no, really, your applause is too much. Settle down now.

Not to brag, but this achievment is a direct result of the dedication and commitment I show in my role as our theater’s
publicist/refreshment coordinator.

Now, I know that there are many of you out there who are still toiling away, firing off pieces for lesser know names like Parents Magazine and Time and whatnot and are wondering how you might achieve a level of success like mine. All I can tell you is - hold onto your dreams. These major publication companies can be tough to break into. For example, I had to call Isabel, the school secretary, THREE times before I got the go-ahead.

But in the end, it was worth it. There, between “Illness of the Week” and “Ski Club sign-ups” sits my brilliant debut.

I’ll remember you all in my Pulitzer acceptance speech.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Bananas is hot!

So, the witty and beautiful Jenny over at Absolutely Bananas (Click on the title above to pay her a visit!) came up with a great idea. Sort of a virtual ladies room, where we gals can get together and dish about our latest beauty secrets and finds. (No, guys, we really are NOT talking about you in there.) Once a month, we post - Bananas keeps the master list at her place - check it out for other great pointers.

After all, none of us is as smart as all of us. Or none of us is smarter than some of us. Or some is smarter than none.....Anywho - here's my tip.

A while back to make the tedium of drinking the recommended 18 gallons of water a day easier, I began adding lemon juice. Sometimes I squeeze half a lemon into my water in the morning. Sometimes I slice up lots of little pieces and just keep them in my bottle as I refill it. (Sometimes I forget to drink water at all and drink 47 cans of Diet Pepsi instead. sigh)

Anyway, while drinking water always makes me feel better, I noticed that drinking the water with lemon made a marked improvement - to my skin, my hair, my energy level - I just all around felt better. Now, I'm not one for fancy book learnin', but I've done some reading and it seems lemon juice is extremely effective in removing toxins from your system. Can't really get into the where and why - I just know that it adds a certain glow!

So, if life hands you lemons - drink lemon juice. Then you can be pretty like this:

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

An Open Letter to the Retail Industry

Dear Purveyors of Fine Holiday Merchandise,

Now that the holiday season is upon us I’d like to get a head start on my psychological clarity during what can be a very confusing and stressful time. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated.

To begin, what is at stake for my children at Christmastime? If they do not receive exactly the most popular and expensive toys will they simply be ostracized, ridiculed on the playground, or do you think they might meet physical harm? To reinforce this message, do you really think that 10 Christmas commercials per every 5 minutes of television viewing time are enough, or should I paste the 27 flyers we get in the mail every day to their walls? Thanks, by the way, for all of the terrific commercials you now show at the movies. I was worried that we might have some wasted time there, but you had us covered.

Further, what do you think the minimum number of gifts should be for our children to know we truly love them? 25? 50? 100? Is there a love to dollar formula you can refer me to so that I can ensure my children's happiness and be spared any potential embarrassment among the neighbors?

While we are on the subject of family, I have some concerns about my husband. I have yet to receive a gift of substantial 4-5 figure worth. Has he lost interest in me? Do you think that kind of gifts I’ve received over the years – a hand-crafted arbor made from cedar trees he cut himself, an original composition – are indications that his eye may be wandering? If it's true, I realize that the blame may be mine. I have not purchased anything recently from The Victoria’s Secret “Flounce Around the House” line. I will work to remedy the situation immediately while I sit amongst my many catalogs sipping international coffees sweetened with Splenda.

Finally, what do you recommend in terms of transportation as we travel from one perfectly decorated house to another, visiting the hundreds of friends and acquaintances we must have to ensure that we have both social standing and worth? I understand that traveling in a forward facing seat without some kind of a table and entertainment center is no longer acceptable, as my children cannot be expected to entertain themselves in the car as we travel 5 miles down the road. Is there a car that actually flies? If so, please notify me immediately; we would not want to appear behind the times.

Cost is no issue; I've see many advertisements for charitable companies offering generous lines of equity to assist us in paying this very small price for the love and comfort of our family.

Thank you in advance for your attention in these very important matters. I greatly appreciate the energy and fervor you put forth in ensuring a meaningful holiday for my family and me.

Beta Mom

Sunday, November 4, 2007

It's ilove...

Instead of cleaning all of this laundry:

I'm wasting away the day playing with my new computer.

Did imention that ihave a new imac and ilove it. iwill never be without my imac again. ithink ifound true love.

By far our favorite accessory is the photo booth.

While the laundry strangles the pets and makes long distance phone calls, I've been doing this (hope this works):


me as a cartoon

me as a character from the 80's hit video "take on me"

me as an Andy Warhol picture

and me as that kid from Mask

Saturday, November 3, 2007

What's that behind your back?

Let's just skip the pretense and cut right to the chase, shall we?

Of all of the candy you steal from your child's pumpkin/basket/bag, which is your favorite?

When sneaking candy past the children, do you -
a) hide it in a pocket?
b) wrap it in a magazine/hide it behind a book?
c) distract the children and then make a dash for it?

What is your favorite re-arranging technique you utilize so the children will not notice their dwindling candy supply?

What's the most outlandish excuse you've come up with when a child discovers an empty candy wrapper in your room?

Friday, November 2, 2007

She who laughs -

Well, it seems we all (six of us) agree that while Donnie is a little bit rock and roll, Marie's just a little bit creepy. To that end, I thought I'd feature her in the newly revived video clip of the day. (look to the right - see it?!) I found a hilarious bit - only to be amazed that Marie herself is behind it.

Props to her for having a sense of humor!

Check it out!