Tuesday, November 6, 2007

An Open Letter to the Retail Industry

Dear Purveyors of Fine Holiday Merchandise,

Now that the holiday season is upon us I’d like to get a head start on my psychological clarity during what can be a very confusing and stressful time. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated.

To begin, what is at stake for my children at Christmastime? If they do not receive exactly the most popular and expensive toys will they simply be ostracized, ridiculed on the playground, or do you think they might meet physical harm? To reinforce this message, do you really think that 10 Christmas commercials per every 5 minutes of television viewing time are enough, or should I paste the 27 flyers we get in the mail every day to their walls? Thanks, by the way, for all of the terrific commercials you now show at the movies. I was worried that we might have some wasted time there, but you had us covered.

Further, what do you think the minimum number of gifts should be for our children to know we truly love them? 25? 50? 100? Is there a love to dollar formula you can refer me to so that I can ensure my children's happiness and be spared any potential embarrassment among the neighbors?

While we are on the subject of family, I have some concerns about my husband. I have yet to receive a gift of substantial 4-5 figure worth. Has he lost interest in me? Do you think that kind of gifts I’ve received over the years – a hand-crafted arbor made from cedar trees he cut himself, an original composition – are indications that his eye may be wandering? If it's true, I realize that the blame may be mine. I have not purchased anything recently from The Victoria’s Secret “Flounce Around the House” line. I will work to remedy the situation immediately while I sit amongst my many catalogs sipping international coffees sweetened with Splenda.

Finally, what do you recommend in terms of transportation as we travel from one perfectly decorated house to another, visiting the hundreds of friends and acquaintances we must have to ensure that we have both social standing and worth? I understand that traveling in a forward facing seat without some kind of a table and entertainment center is no longer acceptable, as my children cannot be expected to entertain themselves in the car as we travel 5 miles down the road. Is there a car that actually flies? If so, please notify me immediately; we would not want to appear behind the times.

Cost is no issue; I've see many advertisements for charitable companies offering generous lines of equity to assist us in paying this very small price for the love and comfort of our family.

Thank you in advance for your attention in these very important matters. I greatly appreciate the energy and fervor you put forth in ensuring a meaningful holiday for my family and me.

Beta Mom


jeff mac, manslations.com said...

P.S. If your relationship maintenance division could also let the men of the world know exactly how many grapefruit-sized diamonds we should be buying our women per year, that'd be great.

(god, this post made me laugh.)

Mom said...

It's that most sacred of holiday seasons....the "Gimme, Getme, Buyme, Bringme" time of the year!!
(Call Family Services...I didn't get an I-pod!)

creative-type dad said...

Let me know if you hear anything about that "flying car."

I'd like one of those for Christmas.

Anonymous said...

I'm so freakin' scared for December 1.

beta mom said...

Mac - While I'm no expert, I think it's this:
One grapefruit-sized diamond per (2) stupid things that you did, or didn't do but we think you did. Or thing you didn't do but we think you thought about doing.

Mom - Beta Boy has already done his Santa list and told Santa to foget about putting an orange in his stocking as he thinks we'll be able to take care of that.

Creative-Type Dad - You could probably use one of those in LA!

Alpha Dogma - The madness is already upon us!

Mike said...

so...are you selling out, beta mom? ;) this was good stuff. as were the pics. i think i'm seeing you tomorrow night. aren't you lucky? ;)

Leanne said...

I'm with you. Mom's against Christmas shopping misery unite! I think we need to gather up all the people who market the Christmas toys and give them...hmmmm. What? Oh I know! OUR KIDS!

Susan said...

Beta Mom, I want to know if the Industry's response letter could also include the formula for "toy expense and trauma level in finding it to time before toy is completely forgotten and shoved in the basket" ratio.

BTW, if your children would like an expensive cool robot dinosaur, I'll resell it to you at a steep discount. I believe the only time it was used was on Christmas day.

Friggin' stupid Santa.

Denguy said...

Pardon my foulness, but that's fuckin' funny!

beta mom said...

Mike - Yup. All this funny don't come cheap.
And, yes, I'll see you tonight (wink wink)

Leanne - Oooh - the karma of it all! I love your idea! Thanks for stopping by.

Susan - It's so true! The harder to get, the better to have, and the more quickly forgotten.

Thanks, Denguy. I take compliments in all forms, even foul. Glad you paid us a visit!

Mother May I = Deb said...

That is a great post!

Sorry I have been MIA from your blog, so much going on! Kids had alot of school meetings, I had some stuff going on, Hubby's work is stressful, and I get the kids almost 24/7 when hubby is working . Needless to say I need a freaking vacation which is coming up Dec 8, my cruise! Hope you are doing well!

I did manage to post a thursday post, come by and visit if you can. I will try to keep up on my blogs more!


crazymumma said...

Brilliant. I was in W**lmart yesterday and rtealized with horror that the speakers were pumping out Xmas music.

The horror of it all.

foolery said...

As a former retailer myself, I think all of your discretionary income will suffice.

But this year, all of your gifts must be GREEN, eco-friendly, socially conscious, completely lacking in lead-based paints, approved by the FDA, and offset with enough carbon credits to cover their trip over from China.

Just a guess.