Saturday, July 28, 2007

An Open Letter to Our Bath Toys....

My worthy adversaries,

It is with a heavy heart that I surrender to you. Ours has been a war hard-fought, but I am weary. Your campaign for freedom against the confines of your containers has been admirable, and I realize that my efforts to constantly corral and clean you are in vain.

I realize that I am, in part, to blame. To expect that you would stay organized, satisfied to sit unused 23 hours a day, was - to say the least - unrealistic. But one needs some sense of order, and for far too long I have lived under the delusion that I can keep you in line. That dream is shattered and I stand before you a broken woman.

I have to admit that one of the harshest blows was when you turned my own children against me. You were able to cunningly convince them to spread you out not only in the tub, where you were sure to trip us every chance you had, but throughout the entire house. That strategy allowed you to engage allies and increase your ranks; the day I found my whisk and strainer in the tub I knew we were outnumbered.

The crowning moment, however, when I knew all was lost, was the moment I realized you were evolving - no longer content to be mere plastic and mesh. The bleach-resistant slime that now coats your bodies seems to have become a permanent part of you biological make-up. I cannot challenge the very forces of nature that seem to be aiding your cause.

Perhaps we shall meet again someday on the battlefield. Until then, I salute you.

Beta Mom

6 comments:

Jeff Mac said...

Holy cow, laughing so hard right now. So funny.

Anna said...

Oh my god, are you writing about my tub? Add a few mildewy washcloths and we're in business.

Anonymous said...

You can bleach 'em, but you can't stop 'em. I always thought that Santa came to our house a couple of times a month and left all the 1 legged, headless, bodyless dolls in our tub. After a bath I'd pick them up and water would pour out an ear, arm hole or my particular favorite...the eyes.
So all I can say to you, sweetie pie,is that it must be genetic. But fear not, you turned out more than o.k.! Be patient and just wait. They almost never take them with them to college and you can just throw them out then. It won't be noticed. (Don't ask me how I know that!)
Love, Mom.

beta mom said...

Mom -

You said all my old bath toys went to live on a farm full of dirty kids who would love them and take good care of them.

Where, oh where, will this deception end?

Love,
The child you prayed for

Jeff Mac said...

Honestly, I commend you on knowing when to quit.

Myself, I'm still embroiled in a back-to-the-wall struggle with the mosquitos who occasionally enter my home and remove my blood.

But it's cool -- I think they are in the last throes of the insectancy.

Liz Ulvila said...

There is a light at the end of the tunnel! They will go off to college and forget they ever had bath toys and you can send the toys off to the "farm" to live a happy life. Then you have to wonder how they can take a shower for 45 minutes without anything in there to play with. Oh wait......la, la, la, la....I don't want to know! xoxo Aunt Liz